Being a parent today means dealing with social media. Dr. April Toure, Maimonides psychiatrist who specializes in children and adolescents, provides best practices on parenting a media-savvy child, including time limits, social media monitoring, and ongoing discussions on its impact.
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Maggie McKay (Host): When it comes to social media and protecting our kids, it’s hard, especially when trying to guide them about being responsible for what they post and what they shouldn’t and why. So today, Dr. April Toure, Director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Consult Service at Maimonides Medical Center, will help us sort it out.
This is Maimo MedTalk. I’m your host, Maggie McKay. So good to have you here, Dr. Toure. Thanks for joining us.
Dr April Toure: Thank you so much for having me. I’m happy to be here.
Host: I know so many parents who say social media and the boundaries they try to make for their kids are a real stressor in the family. So, let’s start with how do we get our kids and teenagers to really hear what we’re saying, because so often they think we have no idea because we didn’t grow up with social media, which is partially true. However, we do have information that they should be aware of when it comes to safety.
Dr April Toure: It’s an ongoing topic of discussion that comes up with families that I see, a very hot topic of discussion. And I do think that it’s really important for parents I think to try to approach the conversation with genuine curiosity. I know that we, as parents, may have our hidden agenda there in the back of our mind about how we want things to go. But I think to give us the best opportunity for our kids to feel comfortable sharing and feeling like it’s a productive conversation is to make sure that they feel like they’re going to be heard.
So, I do think it’s important to try to approach it with openness and questions. And then, you can guide the conversation maybe to more specific structured concerns that you may have. For example, “Hey, I wanted to sit down and talk with you a little bit about how you’re using social media or how you’re engaging online. Are you open for us having a conversation about that? Tell me a little bit about what you think goes well and sometimes that it doesn’t go well.” And starting off with those kinds of open-ended questions may make them more likely to share.
Host: And what should we tell them about posting responsibly and what to avoid posting and why?
Dr April Toure: This is incredibly important, because we know that things online don’t ever truly go away, so it is really important to be mindful about what am I posting, and is this okay? And so, a couple of guidelines. One is to think before you post. Think about not posting, for example, when you’re super upset and emotionally charged up. That may not be the best time to put something out there online that you maybe in the future would regret. You want to think about, “Is what I’m saying, is what I’m putting out there kind and respectful of others?” Avoid posting anything that you would be embarrassed for others to see because, again, those things may just kind of live out there and come back to you in a negative way in the future.
You want to think about maybe thinking about the future, like with future college applications, “If someone was looking at my profile right now, what would they think? What would a future boss think?” And Then being careful too about not posting information that could be unsafe. For example, information about where you live, your address, your specific school, because these things can also, for other reasons, just cause safety concerns.
Host: Dr. Toure, is there any mileage in getting some of your kids’ friends and their parents together to discuss these topics so that their friends and all the parents are on the same page and they can’t come back to you and say, “Well, my friends can do this and that,” and you know, because you were in that little group?
Dr April Toure: I love that idea. And I think, as much as possible, it’s really good to talk about things like that with other parents for that exact reason. You don’t want them coming back and being like, “I’m the only one who can’t,” or “So and so’s mom said…” You know, the truth is you may not be 100% on board with all of the parents of all of your kids friends about how you all are making decisions in this way. But I do think that it can be incredibly helpful if you all are having a united approach to help encourage them to make good decisions.
Host: And you talked about this a little bit, but I just want to go into it just a little bit more. Is it helpful to talk about consequences? For example, in the news, a teenager who posted some information and it came back to bite him or her. I mean, we don’t want to scare them, but we do want them to know there are consequences. And I think your example of the college was great because that would scare them, I think. But, you know, there’s a lot in the news about kids who posted and then it did not end well.
Dr April Toure: It is important to give them accurate information. That’s how I would think of it. Not with the intentions of instilling fear or anxiety, but to help them have informed decision-making about how they’re going to engage online. And I think exactly what you share, you know, depends on the age of the kid. For an older teenager, I think you can be really direct and honest with them about, “This is what happened.” I think for younger kids, just the way you put it, in maybe less detailed and more vague ways about sometimes, if we make these kinds of decisions online, it can be unsafe. I think that that is a good starting point for those conversations.
Host: And what about if we find our kids or teens have disobeyed our rules around social media? What then? Do we take their devices away? That seems unrealistic, but what do you suggest?
Dr April Toure: So, that’s a little bit harder to give just a sweeping, broad recommendation about. Because I do think it depends on the kid and the family and different people are going to have different thresholds about what works for them. What I will say though is that, one, I do think it helps to lead with question, openness, and empathy. But if your child is consistently crossing boundaries that you’ve set, I do think it’s appropriate to think about, “Okay, if you’re not able to monitor this yourself in a healthy way, I’m going to step in and figure out how I can help you monitor that better.”
I think that if you are at the point where you do feel like you need to remove the device, or set limits around it like, “You can’t have it except for when you’re commuting to and from school,” or “You can’t have it after a certain time of night.” Also think about, when and if you would be willing to reintroduce the device. And then, be clear from them what they need to do in order to earn that back. Because sometimes if we just put in place a punishment without any kind of opportunity for them to course correct and earn it back, you may lose their buy-in and their participation in the process.
Host: Right, that’s a good point. Dr. Toure, what safeguards do parents have so we can monitor what they’re posting or commenting on? Are there any resources?
Dr April Toure: So, I will tell you that this is something that is frequently changing. I’m always hearing in the news and through other resources about different updates that different companies like YouTube or TikTok or Instagram and others are taking. And so, I think that the best thing to do is to try to keep yourself up-to-date about what the options are for individual apps and also what options are available through your individual phone carrier. For example, I know that through iPhones, there are different ways for you to link your child’s iPhone to your iPhone and to set up certain safeguards. So, I have found the website, Common Sense Media, to actually be a really helpful resource in guiding parents through that type of information
Host: Anything else you’d like to add to help keep our kids safe when it comes to social media, what they post, what they comment on?
Dr April Toure: Yeah. One thing I want to add is just the importance of trying to have proactive conversations about this with your kid. Just like you would educate them on topics like dating and safe sex and things like that, you want to proactively educate them about safe online use. And so, the website healthychildren.org, which is through the American Academy of Pediatrics, has what’s called a family media plan. And I highly recommend that to parents to check it out because it gives a lot of helpful conversation and information around how to address these conversations with your children, how to get you all together and on the same page as a household, and to also think about if you are having concerns about how much time your child is spending online, to also think about non-screen-related activities that you all can do together or that you can encourage them to engage in to help keep a healthy balance. And so, I think it’s a very well-rounded resource that can really support parents in trying to have these conversations in a productive way.
Host: Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge about this slippery slope. I mean, it is hard for parents these days, especially when they didn’t grow up with social media themselves. So, this is really informative and educational, and we appreciate your time.
Dr April Toure: Thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed talking with you.
Host: Again, that’s Dr. April Toure. Thank you so much for joining me today on Maimo MedTalk. I’m your host, Maggie McKay. Call 718-283-7800 to make an appointment. For general information, visit maimo.org. That’s M-A-I-M-O.org. If you found this Maimo MedTalk podcast helpful, please share it on your social media channels. To listen to additional episodes of Maimo MedTalk, please visit maimo.org.
